An Honest Agenda for a Work Retreat

Day 1:

7:30 AM - Drag yourself unwillingly to the designated location and collect your badge and meal tickets

8:00 AM - Find a seat with someone you know and grumble quietly about your plight as you pick at the stale muffin you grabbed from the breakfast offerings while you wait for upper management to finally arrive at...

9:00 - 9:30 AM - Listen to the three top executives blow smoke up each other's asses for a half hour before finally calling the day to order.

 9:30 - 10:30 AM - Listen to all of the ways each department has failed at several of their appointed tasks

10:30 - 12:00 PM - Doodle and try to inconspicuously play Candy Crush while not listening to your boss discuss things like 'outlook for success' and 're-framing goals'

12:00 - 1:00 PM - Pick the least wilted lettuce from the catered buffet at the back of the room and try to look busy enough that no one will bother you for an hour

1:00 - 1:15 PM - Wait around while the assholes who are running this thing get the equipment set up right

1:15 - 3:00 PM - Sit in groups and gossip for about an hour and a half before writing your group's 're-framed goals' on the giant post-it pad in orange marker (because you're in the orange group)

3:00 - 5:00 PM - If you hurry up and finish the last activity they have planned you can probably go up to your room for a nap before meeting back up for dinner

5:30 - 7:00 PM - Get to the restaurant early so you can save at least the two seats on either side of you for people you like and then try to find the least objectionable food option

7:00 - 9:00 PM - Grudgingly follow your teammates around and minimally participate in the scavenger hunt at the pool

9:00 - whenever -  Watch as all of the upper management gets inappropriately loaded

Day 2:

7:30 - 9:00 AM - This is when you can either be having more stale muffins and overcooked eggs, or sleeping off the alcohol

9:00 - 12:00 PM - We couldn't think of anything to do here so we made it your department head's responsibility to have something for you to do here, but since she's so busy she can barely think straight, you'll end up drinking a lot of tea and asking about new staff members you haven't met

12:00 - 1:00 PM - Lunch at one of the two approved restaurants which you would be well advised to skip for the sake of your gastrointestinal tract

1:00 - 3:00 PM - Play 75 games of hangman with your co-workers while not listening to the discussion around the 'reframed goals'

3:00 - 6:00 PM - Avoid the 'mandatory' water volleyball game

6:00 - 7:00 PM - More horrible, salty food

7:00 - 9:00 PM - You have to show your face at the bowling activity, but then you can slip out and go back to your room only to be awakened at 2:00 AM by one of your coworkers who is so drunk she can't remember her room number.

Day 3:

7:30 - 9:00 AM - You giddily pack your things back into your suitcase and head to the meeting room where you're hopeful someone will be waiting to tell you that the rest of the day has been cancelled

9:00 - 12:00 PM - Pointedly stare out the window while the 700th PowerPoint presentation goes on around you

12:00 PM - Run out the door as fast as you can before someone realizes they have more to say


Elisa said...

Oh god. Horrific. Just horrific. And terribly accurate.