19.5.15

Ripping Back

Sometimes, in knitting, you realize, somewhere in the middle of a pattern or row or something, that you've gone off.  The whole thing has gone cockeyed and you have to rip back your stitches until you reach the point where you went wrong and pick up from there.  It takes time and sometimes it's tempting to just try to correct from where you are - ignore the screwiness.  Sometimes you can do that.  If you haven't gone too far off.  A few stitches or a row near the bottom won't be that noticeable. But most of the time, by the time you've noticed the irregularity, it's because it is noticeable.

In life, as well, we also have to rip back sometimes - for the same reasons.  Something is out of whack.  So I have ripped back - to being single - well, not exactly legally single, but on my way.  In truth, I should have seen the problem long before now.  Okay, in real truth, I did see the problem long before now.  I just didn't have the resolve.  I've known for a long time that things weren't working out between Matt and me.  I just didn't want to deal with the reality of it.  Between school and work, I was too tired, too concerned with other things.

However, there comes a point when there's no ignoring it anymore.  The point when the discomfort outweighs the convenience.  So I started unraveling and found that the problem stitch was foundational.  The cast-on was bad.  The only solution to that is to tear the whole thing out and start over.  Only, I'm not starting over with the same project.  I've decided to go in a different direction with my life. 

I don't think I'm good at being married.  Or possibly, I'm just not good at being married to Matt.  Either way, the time has come to be finished.  And I'm really relieved.  There was so much pressure and I was so stressed for so long that I had forgotten what it was like to feel normal.

I'm not sure what my new project will be.  I know it will become more apparent when I finish school at the end of the year.  I'm not in a hurry to pick the next thing.  At the moment, I'm just rewinding the yarn and getting everything back in order so that when I do decide, I'll be ready to jump in.

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