Sometimes we get groceries delivered from a farm in Utah. They come early in the morning and I bring them in when I get up. Only for the last while, we've not put in an order. So you can imagine my surprise at opening the door on Wednesday night to get the mail and finding a bag of utterly putrid groceries on my doorstep.  Oh, did I mention?  Delivery day is Monday. So, when I say utterly putrid, I'm actually understating facts because also: July in Vegas.  

Anyway, I shrieked and Matt said that he would take care of it tomorrow, which is to say, today. So I left it out there and figured he'd just throw the whole thing away - take the loss on the cooler bag and the deposit bottles and be done. 

Then I got this text:

M:  How do u feel today?
Watched side effects. Pretty good. 
Milk blew. All over on tile by front door. Thinking of using a sponge. Unless u have a better suggestion. 

At which point I'm mostly confused. I don't get why he needs a consult on how to clean up milk. Even gross chunky milk. 

D:  Gross. That sucks. Sponge or paper towel. Either one. Just throw the sponge away if that's what you use. 

M:  Paper towel didn't really get it. Will use and toss sponge. 

So then I was busy and didn't text him back for a while. 

D:  How did the cleanup go?  Did you gag?

M:  Discovered it hit the wall and ceiling. Disgusting. And I'm having trouble getting it off the walls. I need a chisel or something. 

It was at this point that I realized we weren't just talking about average putrid milk. I also realized that Matt is entirely without the skill set or the patience to actually clean this up. 

D:  Just leave it the way it is. I'll do it when I get home. The exploded bottle and contaminated bag are out of the house, right?

M:  I'll leave it. My knees hurt anyway. And I will get rid of bottle and bag. What a ridiculous thing!

So this ended the exchange. I was left to wonder what I was going to walk into at home.   And here's what I found:  chunks of soured, essentially cooked, milk solids blown all over the wall and ceiling.  It looked like someone took a container of paste and flung it. Of course, it smelled awful.

I did actually have to use a putty knife to scrape it off the ceiling.  And now I'm burning scented oils and boiling lavender and rosemary on the stove so the house doesn't continue to smell like baby spit-up, because I just finished this horror of housekeeping about an hour ago. 

I didn't even know it was possible for milk to explode like that. I think I could have been okay without that information, too.