27.9.11

So, that just happened.

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I went to bed feeling accomplished. I'd gotten the cooking done for the week, gotten the laundry done and folded and ready to be put away this morning. I read some Julia Kristeva and was asleep by 11.

Sometime later, a loud noise woke both Matt and me up. Matt got up to investigate and after making sure no one was breaking in, came back to bed.

Approximately a half-hour ago, I awoke to start my day. As I approached the laundry room to retrieve the folded laundry, I noticed a dark spot on the carpet just outside the laundry room door.

I knew it meant bad things. I opened - or tried to open the door - to find it blocked by something. Upon pushing it harder, I discovered that the impediment was a pile of clothes accompanied by a river of laundry detergent (the source of the spot on the carpet).

Yeah. So the clean clothes are currently lying in a lake of blue goo. And the goo is all over EVERYTHING. the walls, the washing machine, the floor, there's even some on the ceiling.

How it happened is still a physics-defying mystery. See, the detergent was resting safely on it's appointed shelf, as it has done for weeks now. And now it's not. It seems to have leapt to it's death without cause.

Nothing else on the shelf is out of place. And yet this three-quarters full jug of detergent propelled itself off the shelf with enough force to knock over a laundry basket full of clothes.

Oh, the horror.

I'm writing this now because I don't know where to even begin. I mean, how do you clean up soap? And even after I do, I'm pretty sure every time I mop that floor for the rest of my life, bubbles will appear. My grout will be blue for a long time - if not forever. An the poor clothes are going to have to go through probably a couple of soapless washes just to get the soap out.

Sigh. Okay, I've just decided this is hilarious. Because otherwise it might make me cry.

21.9.11

Inappropriate Baby Names

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Okay, I don't have kids. So I've never gone through the hell of trying to find a unique/awesome baby name. That being said, there are guidelines for what's appropriate.

First and foremost: Don't name your child after an alcoholic beverage. This means any alcoholic beverage. Spelled either as it appears on the bottle or as it might sound in the vernacular. For example: K'vasyay is no more acceptable than Courvoisier. Brandy, Brandi, Brandee - all inappropriate. Tequilla - no. Alize, Champagne, etc. No matter how pretty the word sounds coming out of your mouth, you're not helping your kid with that name.

Rule 2: Don't name your child after a car (exceptions being Portia and Mercedes). Spelling your daughter's name PORSCHE is fucked up. Chevrolet, Bentley, Ghini, et. al, should be avoided.

Rule 3: Names like Player, Danger, Unique, Star, Bubbles, Husslyr and Doctor should never get on the list, let alone appear there long enough to get scratched off. Really, people, WTF? Sure, for a second it might be funny to have a kid named Doctor Jones, but that's a costly joke.

Rule 4: Potential rapper names like ShEye-Boy and Sweet Baby are inappropriate. Let the kid pick his own rap star name when he gets to the point that he needs one.

Rule 5: Household objects shouldn't be sources of names. Chandelier? Maybe not.

Rule 6: Don't go with animal names. Tiger, Pony, Lion, Panther - abstain.

Rule 7: Random words like Fade, Cousin, Whisper should be left as random words and stay off the birth certificate.

I ask you to observe these rules for the sake of your child. This leaves worlds of names available. And if the available names don't suit you, make one up. All names were made up at one point or another anyway. You can do better than Star.

13.9.11

The Proper End

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It was an unguarded moment between two people who have many miles and thousands of exploits between them.  A moment that simultaneously bridged and expanded a chasm of two lifetimes, making the distance matter more for what was lost on the way to our separate sides.

It was a perfect moment.  The last shot of the movie.  It would start as a long shot.  Two middle-aged women sitting at a table talking and laughing over drinks.  As the camera moved in you would start to hear their conversation and then one of them would pick up an old straw wrapper and her spoon and say, "Wait, I'll do the straw-paper and spoon re-enactment of what happened."  The other woman would then laugh harder than she had in years, because something about the situation and the straw-paper and spoon re-enactment would strike her as hilarious.  Then the two of them would laugh until they cried and their ribs hurt.  Then a dissolve and the two would be saying goodbye.  They would say, "It was great - really great - to see you," and they'd both mean it and say a last goodbye as strangers and as friends.

And this was how it was.  I see it as a camera shot, because I can't remember how we got to the straw-paper and spoon re-enactment of the night she (the straw paper) walked into a tree branch (the spoon) and gave herself a concussion.  In truth, I can't remember what came after, either, because the laughing made everything else fade.

I know that this will be the last time I laugh like that with her.  More than likely, it will be the last time I see her.  It was our proper end.

12.9.11

My Band

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A little frivolity after a heavy day.

Okay, I don't have a band. But if I were ever to form a band, I have a lot of prospective names. Why? Well, because it's a fun game. Sometimes a phrase just pops into my head or I see a combination of words and I think, "That'd be a cool band name," so I write it down. I have a running list. Here are a few of them:

Contaminated Pickle
Shitwreck - this would obviously be an angry punk band or something
The Absurdists
Peasant Under Glass
Culmination of Intention
Invisible Jet - preferably fronted by a singer named Jet
The Amazing Amazons - this should be ironic: a girl band with only short girls or something
Paste Eaters
Bad Apple
Tart
Diamond Lil
Fake Smile
Wicked Smart
Sharks & Rays
Novelists
The Balladeers
Super Square
Apples & Pomegranates
Better Now
Just Because
Paint with Words
Senseless Creatures
Squeak
Watery Grave
Mouthy Broads
Dropped Stitch
Borrowed Pajamas