21.9.11

Inappropriate Baby Names

Okay, I don't have kids. So I've never gone through the hell of trying to find a unique/awesome baby name. That being said, there are guidelines for what's appropriate.

First and foremost: Don't name your child after an alcoholic beverage. This means any alcoholic beverage. Spelled either as it appears on the bottle or as it might sound in the vernacular. For example: K'vasyay is no more acceptable than Courvoisier. Brandy, Brandi, Brandee - all inappropriate. Tequilla - no. Alize, Champagne, etc. No matter how pretty the word sounds coming out of your mouth, you're not helping your kid with that name.

Rule 2: Don't name your child after a car (exceptions being Portia and Mercedes). Spelling your daughter's name PORSCHE is fucked up. Chevrolet, Bentley, Ghini, et. al, should be avoided.

Rule 3: Names like Player, Danger, Unique, Star, Bubbles, Husslyr and Doctor should never get on the list, let alone appear there long enough to get scratched off. Really, people, WTF? Sure, for a second it might be funny to have a kid named Doctor Jones, but that's a costly joke.

Rule 4: Potential rapper names like ShEye-Boy and Sweet Baby are inappropriate. Let the kid pick his own rap star name when he gets to the point that he needs one.

Rule 5: Household objects shouldn't be sources of names. Chandelier? Maybe not.

Rule 6: Don't go with animal names. Tiger, Pony, Lion, Panther - abstain.

Rule 7: Random words like Fade, Cousin, Whisper should be left as random words and stay off the birth certificate.

I ask you to observe these rules for the sake of your child. This leaves worlds of names available. And if the available names don't suit you, make one up. All names were made up at one point or another anyway. You can do better than Star.

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