Things I Could Do Without


Tweets pertaining to TV shows.

Tweets that quote.

Actually, let's just say most tweets and be done with it.

Status updates that make obscure reference to something personal designed to elicit inquiry.

Status updates about how little sleep one got.

People who change their profile picture every goddamed day.

Drivers of white BMWs. Yes. I'm calling out a specific color car. I don't know what it is, but extensive experience with asshole drivers has made it abundantly clear to me that, if expressed as a pie chart, the biggest piece of pie correlating to the biggest assholes would be drivers of white BMWs.

Popcorn flavored jellybeans.

Lisa Lillien. Ick.

Denim shorts of any size, length, or variety.


Ankle straps.

High-heeled flip-flops. I mean, seriously.

Extreme Chef. Clearly Food Network has gone over the edge, here. Although, I guess if you went to culinary school to learn how to cook a lion that you caught with your bare hands on a car engine in a dust storm while balancing on a rolling log bound for a field of metal spikes, this is your time to shine.

Cupcakes. I mean can we please move on? Surely there's something else for dessert out there.

Restaurants serving comfort food. Come on, people, look at the obesity rates. We don't need to be more comfortable eating soft, high-calorie food. And also, BORING. A challenge to the palate is a good thing. There's more to life than mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese and meatloaf (though all have their occasional place).

The chick at my yoga studio who brings her phone into the yoga room and always leaves the ringer on until it rings and then acts all embarrassed.

Summer in Vegas. It seems wrong to live someplace where ice is on offer at all grocery stores to prevent your food from spoiling on the drive home.

Kevin James movies.

Michael Bay.

Dirty (by which I mean having dirt/debris in them) library books. I checked out a book the other day so full of cat hair I had to take two Allegra just to get it in the car for the drive back to the library.

Parents who let their kid "cry it out" in public. I know babies cry, but while I'm out to dinner maybe, just maybe, you could try to keep them happy so that we all aren't as miserable as your poor child. If this means one of you has to leave your meal to walk the kid around, then that's what you need to do. Or get a sitter.

Energy drinks.

And last, but most assuredly not least, fitness apparel worn as regular clothing.


Yolk E said...

What is it with Kevin James?? My 10-year-old cousin is in love with him. She seriously, truly loves him. I suppose it's better than the Bieber, but damn. I'm done with that guy.

Yours in whiny solidarity,

Dorothy said...

Thanks for your show of support. I'm also glad to know that at least someone likes Kevin James. Even if it's 10-year-old girls. I was beginning to think he had naked pictures of some studio exec sexually exploiting baby farm animals or something.

hannahjustbreathe said...

Popcorn jellybeans are THE WORST!!!! The absolute worst!!! The person who thought of that idea should hang his/her head in shame. Disgusting!

This list is kind of amazing, Dorothy. I sort of want to print it out and post it somewhere.

Dorothy said...

They are the worst. At least no one's developed spinach jellybeans yet. What an unwelcome surprise: you bite into a green jellybean expecting lime or apple or watermelon and you get spinach. Ick.