29.10.10

Map-making

I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe in soul mates or "meant to be". I also don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I think it's crap. I think we believe in all of this kind of goo because we, as self-centered human beings, can't actually believe that the Universe doesn't actually give a shit about us. We need to impose order and so we talk about fate and reason, but that seems limited to me.

We make choices, sometimes actively, somtimes passively and those choices haven't been overseen by some great force. Some people make consistently good choices and some people can't get out of their own way - ever. Most of us muck it out with a little good and a little bad and a lot of in-between.

The funny part of it all, is that we most often run to these trite little words of encouragement or comfort when something has gone wrong. Or when
We perceive something has gone wrong.

While we were looking at houses, we found a house we really loved on a quiet street in a cute neighborhood. We put an offer on the house and the offer was accepted. But then the house didn't appraise anywhere near the asking price and the seller wouldn't come down so we cancelled the deal. The first thing a lot of people said is, "Everything happens for a reason."

But what if we'd decided that we would pay the difference? Would I have been unhappy in that house? Would anyone have said those five, trite words?

I truly believe we make our way as best we can with what we have. And the choices we make shape us as we go. We learn and change our strategies. Or we don't.

I often wonder what I would be like if I'd lived in the same place my whole life.

I've moved a lot. A lot of dwellings, a lot of schools, a lot of cities. Sometimes the moves were my choice, sometimes not, but collectively they've shaped who I am. Is this who I'm meant to be? No. It's just who I am right now. Right now.

Not that I don't feel like I'm not living up to my potential, but who doesn't want to believe in their own untapped greatness? Yet some of us have to play the supporting parts, be the unnamed extras.

I never thought I'd live in Vegas, but I do. I made that choice for a reason. So far, it's sound. Do I want to end my days here? No, but maybe I'll come to love it if I choose to.

We pick our paths. And we have only ourselves to blame when those paths lead somewhere deep and dark and we don't turn around or find a new path.

I could have returned to old places, reconnected with old friends. But that always seemed like the wrong direction. Not that back is necessarily wrong, but I always moved on for a reason, so returning to what I left behind was never where I felt like I shoud go.

I've always found the new routes to be the best way for me. I can make my own trail - however I like it. I admit, I like a paved trail the best, but I can hack through brush and jungle when necessary.

I am about to change direction again. I've come as far as I can on this stretch of road. My turn is ahead. It's kind of a blind corner and I'm a lot concerned with how I'm going to navigate the next several miles. My GPS doesn't have a map for this. But the worst that can happen is that I get lost. The good thing about being lost is that, no matter how lost you get, you'll eventually find something you recognize to lead you in the right direction. Or you can stop and ask someone for help.

It's all up to me. This is who I am right now.

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