Towards the end, I held on until my fingers were all bone and blood and ache. If he'd been holding my hand, it might have worked, but I was gripping crumbling ledge and he was doing other things. He didn't even step to the edge until after I'd realized the pain wouldn't stop until I let go and started to fall away. By the time he'd found a rope, I'd already hit my head on the ground below and then he stood and watched for too long before I got up, hurt but not dead, angry at myself for waiting so long to relieve the agony.

But he was a fragile soul. Unaware of his frangibility. So when I started getting hopeful emails later - hopeful for a return to what he never understood was agony for me - I was definite. Firm.

See some time before I'd met him, someone did me a great kindness by not allowing me to torture myself. This person, another man, hadn't allowed me to hope that things would change between us.

At the time he did it, I was crushed. But overall it allowed me to stop myself. I could put that man out of my heart.

So I tried to do the same for the fragile man who I left on the roof. I told him that I didn't want him to write or call. I told him that it would be better for both of us if we broke clean.

He did what I asked -- until recently. Through a mutual friend, he let me know he's not well. This saddens me, but I'm also pissed that he's doing this to me. I can't be there for him. Not only because I don't want to, but because we left that kind of relationship behind. It's inappropriate of him to ask. And I can only respond with silence. Fuck.


hannahjustbreathe said...

I firmly believe some people are meant to stay, truly, competely, in our past. Their resurgence feels like life is slapping you across the face and flashing you a wicked grin.

It *does* suck that he's not doing well. But it is certainly NOT your responsibility to respond with anything BUT silence. Fuck be it.

Dorothy said...

Fuck it, indeed. I just really resent the unexpectedness. But I'll get over it. And leave him where he belongs.