How Much Do I Really Want It?

In my life, I've gone back and forth and back again on the subject of wanting children.  As a little girl, I named my prospective children the names I wished my parents had given me instead of the one I had.  Things that seemed exotic and beautiful to a girl of 8.  Things like Alexandra, Catherine, Tamara, Henrietta, and Flannery for the girls.  William, Edward, Philippe, and Alexander for the boys.

In high school, I ended an accidental pregnancy.  I decided that I didn't really know if I wanted kids and that it wasn't something you should do if you don't know you want it.  By my mid-twenties, I was strongly anti-kid.  Not that I didn't like kids, but that I didn't see any time that I would want my own.

That changed with Matt.  Suddenly, it seemed like an obvious choice.  A kid.  Just one.  We have a plan.  We throw names at each other occasionally.  Emma, Leah, Ben, Jack.

But I found out recently that I have a weird antibody.  It showed up the last time I gave blood.  I don't know where it came from and I never will.  The problem is, it causes hemolytic disease.  Most likely, if I am to carry a child successfully, lots of fetal blood transfusions will be necessary.  This won't, however, guarantee that I'll get all the way to term or that the baby won't die anyway.

Couple that with the fact that, as of my last birthday, I'm of Advanced Maternal Age.  Thanks, Western Medicine, for that sweet distinction.  Point is, I'm already in a higher risk bracket anyway because I'm old.  I never imagined I would end up with a high-risk pregnancy.

Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about it all.  Okay, right now I'm kind of pissed and a little sad, and totally let down by the promise of health if I took care of myself.  But overall, I'm not sure.

As much as I want a kid, I don't know if I want one enough to go through the turmoil and potential heartbreak.  At the same time, I'm not sure I'm willing to forego the experience.  I think I'll have one shot.

I can be a parent no matter what.  There are plenty of kids out there who need to be adopted by people who'll love them.  But part of what made me want a kid with Matt so much was how much I love him.  I don't want any kid.  I want our kid.

There's no answer now.  Shit.  I wish to lodge a complaint.  Anyone know the number for Customer Service?


hannahjustbreathe said...

Wow. This warrants an e-mail, not a comment. Until then... I'm sorry to hear this news---sorry because you're sad and pissed off and frustrated. As I would be, too.

I'm thinking of you, my friend. Tight hugs.

Dorothy said...

Thanks, lady. I've been wallowing. Time to put the footie pajamas away and get on with life.