A Brand, Shiny, New Year

Well, My Darlings,

On this eve of the eve of the new year, I send you my greatest wishes that you all have a spectacular year to come.  Or at least passing.  Mediocre at worst.  Know what?  Let's call it even that I wish you the best and if it doesn't work out that way for you, well, it wasn't me.  I wanted all the best for all of you.  But if you can't get it together to have a terrific year, well, maybe that requires some introspection, eh?  I'm not pointing fingers or anything, but, well, we all know that sometimes some of you don't really try.

Just know that I'm wishing good things for you.  Or at least most of you.  Not that I wish anyone ill, I just might concentrate more on those of you I like the best.  Like, "Oh, I really hope the best for Cecil."  as opposed to "I wonder what Mavis is doing?"  You see the difference, right?  One contains a hope/wish for the best, the other is a mere passing thought.

To ensure you get a wish for the best, you can send cash or the standard precious metal to me no later than the 7th of January and I'll get you on the list.  Otherwise, well, you see where I'm going...  And this only applies to those of you I like the least (if you have to ask, this means you).  The rest of you are in the clear, no remuneration necessary.

I love you all (well...ish),  but I at least like most of you and don't dislike any of you.  Much.  But I like to hedge my bets, make you all feel secure so if I need something from you, you always believe that I like you and would do anything for you.  But I guess I shouldn't have told you that.  Now you'll all be suspicious.

So, I take that back, I love you all and hope you have a fanfuckingfarouttastic coming year.  And remember what good ol' Ben Franklin said:  Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors and let every new year find you a better (hu)man.

And if you need suggestions for resolutions, here are a few reliable ones:  1) Get (back) in shape.  2) Solve the problem of world hunger.  3) Get that tattoo (removed).  4) Clean the house more than bi-anually.  5) Quit smoking (again).  6) Bring peace to earth.  7) Learn Japanese.  8) Paddle-boat to Australia.  9) Reverse global warming.  10) Believe the improbable.

Happy New Year y'all.  


thedancingj said...

Hah. I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve!

hannahjustbreathe said...

"Believe the improbable." Ahh, yes. Anything is possible. I like this. I need to remember it more often.


Dorothy said...

J - Yes? Yes!

H - Another one of my favorite Oscar Wilde quotes, "Man can believe the impossible, but never the improbable." Weird but mostly true. So let's do believe both the impossible and the improbable.