The Dud

This is for Hannah, inspired by this post.

After I got divorced, I took my sweet time about dating again. I went out here and there, even dated some guys with some consistency, but nothing that was meaningful. I wasn't looking.

After a lot of time had passed and I had done my due soulsearching-WTF-was-I-thinking-theraputic diligence, I decided it was time to give the male population another go. I started talking to the guys I saw regularly on my hikes at Runyon Canyon, I talked to men at parties, and I told everyone I was looking to date.

I was going out quite a bit, but nothing was clicking. Then someone at work set me up with a guy who worked in one of our other offices. We'll call him Todd.

Todd and I had had some minor interaction, but that was it. He was quite good looking and didn't seem to be a total drooler. How wrong I was...

We met downtown, near the corporate apartment where he was temporarily living, for dinner. We went to The Palm because it was in walking distance and he really loved it. I'm not so much a fan, but whatever.

We sat down to dinner and started the requisite chatter. I asked where he went to college and that was it. He pulled the cord on his motormouth and away we went...down memory lane. I heard about his frat brothers and all the "crazy shit" they "pulled all the time."

I heard about the secret car relocation cliche. I heard about the "awesome" practical joke where they filled the chair of Women's Studies office with blow-up dolls, and how they took all of the furniture of an entire floor of one of the buildings and stuffed it into a lecture hall and glued the door shut. It was scintillating.

By the end of dinner, I had uttered under 50 words, more than half of which were, "oooh." I knew we had no future, but I was still going to bed with him because I hadn't had sex for a while and he seemed like he would be good in bed. Wrong again.

We walked back to his apartment. Before we got all the way in the door, he kissed me. I should have known by the kiss to leave then and there, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Todd couldn't find an erogenous zone with a GPS and full-color pictures. And he was a neck-licker. Why? I don't want spit on my neck just for the sake of having there.

I knew it was a lost cause for me, but I figured I'd let him finish up. Only he was taking forever. I would take part of the responsibility, but I'm sure he wasn't paying any attention to me. So I finally had to put a stop to it because it was getting painful.

I tried to be nice about it. I even offered to finish the task in an alternate way, but he didn't seem to take me seriously and I finally had to say the words "get off me."  That's a bad night for everyone.

I left angry and disgusted. The next day at work he'd left a rose and a note that said, "call me if you change your mind." I was livid. He didn't even have the decency or sense to let it lie.

He has forever since been known as The Dud between me and my friends.


hannahjustbreathe said...

Wow... This just made my Friday.

I alternate between thinking "how awful" and "how freaking awesome." In that you still wanted to get some and, consequently, get *something* of note out of the evening! I have yet to have a really bad, Dud-like date. But, I'm sure it's out there, just waiting for me, with bated breath...

Dorothy said...

While I certainly do not wish dud dates on anyone, I feel that we are all statistically bound to have at least one before we stop dating. Yours might not find you...Let's hope for that.

restaurantrefugee said...

I really think there ought to be a mandatory kiss after thirty minutes of a first date. If the kiss is horrific, no one has invested enough to have their feelings too damaged. If one or both parties feel that the lack the requisite information before kissing someone, then they actually have their answer.

No one should ever have to deal with a shitty kisser. Had you shut his incessantly yammering pie hole with a kiss earlier, you still would have had enough time to end things and go find another partner for the evening.

Green Of Eye, Sharp Of Claw said...

Eeeesh, the words neck licker just made me shiver and not in a good way. The Dud is a fairly polite name for him all things considered :)

Dorothy said...

Refugee - I agree about the kiss. And also about your theory that after 10 minutes either party should be able to call it all off with no hard feelings.

Green of Eye - Yeah, I don't know what he thought he was doing. I guess he didn't either.