It began thus: I awoke to a mess in the kitchen. The coffee maker had malfunctioned and sent grounds and not-quite-coffee all over the counter, down the fronts of the cabinets, and onto the floor. I exasperatedly began to clean it up, during which I slid in the water and knocked the coffee pot to the floor. Where it broke. Exploded is more like it. Glass went everywhere.

I carefully negotiated my bare feet through the sea of glass (miraculously unscathed) and went to get my all-star vacuum. I don't have a lot of storage space, so the closet that houses my vacuum also houses a lot of other stuff. It's like a Jenga tower. I pulled the wrong piece and a slew of bags, boxes and clothes toppled onto the vacuum. I didn't lose focus, though. I simply dug the vacuum free and went back to the kitchen.

I successfully sucked all the glass safely into the vacuum bag and then went back to the wet mess that started this whole ridiculous string of events. I had just finished wiping up the last of the nastiness when, pleased as punch to be done, I sighed and stepped back to admire my handiwork and tripped backwards over the trash can that I'd pulled from it's place under the counter to expedite my grounds-slopping. Fortunately, only some of the garbage went on the floor and I had that cleaned up in no time.

I was now free to move on to the avalanche in the closet. I dealt with that tidily in about a half hour and got the vacuum put away. Yay. And all because of a shitty coffee pot...

Only it didn't stop there. I feel like everything I've done today has gone wrong. I also dropped a whole plateful of food onto the couch, I spilled water, I knocked everything in the world over. I walked into a table and a door, I bruised my shin getting into the car, I hit my head getting out of the car, I cut myself on a crab shell, I cut a hole in a shirt in an attempt to remove a tag that left a nasty red scratch on the back of my neck, I sucked my hair into the hair dryer, and at the end of the evening, after I'd struggled my way through yoga, I got home to discover that when I'd taken my shower earlier in the day, I'd knocked over a bottle of body wash with the cap not quite closed. I found out when I went into the bedroom and it smelled like berries. I looked and the tub was full of pink goo.

I'm almost afraid to do anything else. Hell, I may get electrocuted any second by a freak surge from my computer. I can't rule it out. I'm going to eat something small, soft, and cold for dinner so that I can't burn myself, choke, cut myself, or lose a tooth.

Tomorrow has to be better, right?


Dirty Kitten said...

Damn, woman. Who'd you piss off? Is it wrong that I laughed at this? Sorry. Hope tomorrow is better.

hannahjustbreathe said...

Aaahahahahahhaa... And I thought I was karma's punching bag lately...

I'm sorry. This was just too funny. I hope today is fairing much, much better! (And safer.)

Dorothy said...

Ladies, ladies - laugh away. There's nothing else to do. Well I guess crying is also an option, bit laughing is more fun. Now. Yesterday I wanted to scream and might have, except I surely would have damaged a vocal cord or something. Today seems to be business as usual (yay). I still wonder, though, what universal chaos theory kind of stuff has to align in order for these days to happen. I'm going to put one of my mathematician friends on the job to see if he can develop some kind of algorythm to at least predict (if not prevent) this shit.