26.9.09

Brown Thumb

I have a brown thumb. I can kill any plant at 20 paces. And I don't even do it on purpose. I think there's some kind of advanced plant information network. They've circulated my description and the plant is 3/4 dead by the time it enters my house. Out of spite.

Or maybe I'm just that talented. Maybe I should be the arch-villian in a comic about a hero called Venus Flytrap. It would be Venus Flytrap vs. The Brown Thumb. I don't like the visuals on that, though. Some icky brown unitard. Gross. But I digress...

My latest victim is a basil plant. I got it and it was gorgeous. Full, green, happy. Within hours of entering my lair, it was wilted. By the end of its second day in captivity it was irrevocably brown. And on the third day I threw it out.

I don't know how I do it. Wilbur had great plants. I was in no way involved with them and they were lovely, happy plants. Someone at work gave me an African violet (supposedly hearty plants) and it died - even under Wilbur's care and I know it's because it knew it was mine.

It started with a bamboo plant when I was 17. Bamboo is known as being un-killable. It is notoriously hard to get rid of. Unless your name is Dorothy.

I seriously don't know what happened to that bamboo. I followed the instructions on the tag. It got plenty of sun. And within a week it turned yellow and all the leaves fell off.

The list of my victims is fairly hefty - especially considering that I gave up on house plants rather quickly. I've killed lilies, ferns, a rosemary bush, at least a dozen various other herbs, and a jade plant.

In college, I took a botany class in hopes that I would be able to reverse the curse with advanced education. We see from my poor basil plant how well that worked.

The thing is, gardening really appeals to me. I want to have a little tomato patch with herbs and squash and peppers. I thought I might try a window box, but considering that I just lost another perfectly healthy plant, I'm pretty sure there's no way I can successfully cultivate anything from seed.

It's disappointing. Although maybe I can start some kind of hit service for stubborn plants. Spanish moss, iceplant, eucalyptus. If you want it gone just call me. The Brown Thumb.

2 comments:

hannahjustbreathe said...

Both of my parents are avid gardeners, both naturals with, well, nature. It's a gene neither thought to pass onto me.

Jerks... :)

Dorothy said...

That was mean of them.

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my plight, though. Thanks.