Twue Wuv

Matt and I stayed up talking until 2 this morning. Not about anything in particular, just talking. I love that we still do that. We don't do it every night, because we're old now and staying up until 2 after we spend almost our entire day together is kind of silly, but I'm really glad that we still do it sometimes.

When Matt and I first met, I was 19 and he was 23. Because I was scared and in a bad relationship, I never said anything to him about the fact that I was desperately in love with him and then, because of my fear/stupidity, I married the guy I was in the bad relationship with and moved away. Matt started dating someone else and over the course of a couple of years (during which I got divorced), we lost touch. But I always wondered about him. I tried looking him up here and there over the years, but never found him. Well, I did finally, obviously, find him. But it took 10 years.

For most of those years, I was single. I define myself as single because even though I might have consistently dated someone, it was never a relationship that would (or could) last. In my pursuit of passion, I found myself oft entangled with men who were great guys, and great in bed, but who otherwise were not suited to me at all - not in any lasting way. Men who 'adored' me but didn't love me. Men who loved me but didn't do it for me. Then a friend of mine, The Captain, emailed me through Amazon to ask me to be his Amazon Friend. I didn't know this feature existed until that moment. So I looked up Matt. There he was. I sent him a message.

At that point, I had a man in my life - albeit one who didn't want the same things I did (surprise). But I still wanted to just say hi to Matt and see how he was. I sent my email address along with my message and a few days later, I got an email back. When I saw his name in my inbox, I thought my heart would beat out of my chest. We emailed for a year and a half, during which time, both of our relationships ended. We started talking on the phone. He was kind of dating someone - casually - and I got jealous.

I realized that I needed to say something. Okay, I kind of chickened out and emailed him. He emailed back. And then we started talking about it on the phone. We made plans to see each other, but the first time I ever told him I loved him was on the phone.

From the time we saw each other for the first time to the time I moved in with him was 5 weeks. Seven months later we were married.

There were plenty of times in the years we were apart that I thought about how my life would end up. I wondered if I would find someone who made me giggle while simultaneously making my heart thump. When I wasn't sure I would ever find that person, I resigned myself to being a happy, unattached person. That's good, too - finding happiness in being alone. And then I found him.

I don't believe in soul mates. But I do believe that there is a perfect match for everyone - a burning flame of love and desire that compliments each of us in the ways that matter - the person whose mere existence on earth makes it easier to get out of bed every day. That is a true delight. And it's something everyone should have.

A friend of mine said to me once, when I complained about my job, "There is no such thing as total job satisfaction. We go to work to pay for our lives with the people we love. Everything else is just extra." She was right, of course.


Dirty Kitten said...

Aww. You're cute with your love and stuff. Now I'm gonna go barf.

Since I won't see you in Vegas, you should come to see me. You can bring "Matt."

hannahjustbreathe said...

Whoa! Love the new look! Very fancy... :)

Dorothy said...

DK - Don't be jealous.

HJB - Thanks! I'm still tweaking the HTML. For some reason the nav bar keeps disappearing. I may go back tot he old look if it won't cooperate.