You Have No Idea What I'm Saying...

The guy at the counter was rushed. Probably he was ready to go home. It seems reasonable that it was the end of his shift, seeing as it was right around 6P. I have no quarrel with you getting the fuck out of work the very moment your shift is done. Especially when your shitty job entails listening to customers specify exactly what variety, flavor, and temperature they want their stupid coffee. I would flee as soon as humanly possible, myself.

Now, it should be noted in bold, block letters that I DO NOT DRINK COFFEE. I seldom step foot into any of the 7000 chain coffee stores in a 2 mile radius of my house. When I do go in, I am always accompanied by a regular coffee drinker who knows how and what to order. Always until today. Today I went in to pick up a coffee as a favor to Wilbur who was running behind and needed the caffeine following a 3 martini and a Long Island Tea lunch and then coming home and sleeping it off for a few hours.

I stepped up to the counter and said, I want a large, plain coffee with room for cream. The guy said, "Tall." I just sort of shrugged. "What kind?" he asked. "Just coffee. It doesn't matter." You'd have thought I'd actually hit him in the face. When he recovered, he listed some stuff off and I said, "Pick one." "That's not how we do it here." He was starting to get red. I was bumping shoulders with rage, myself. He started to list them off again. I told him to stop. "Look, I just want some coffee. I don't care what kind. Just put some regular, non-decaf coffee in the biggest cup you have and give it to me." No doubt the manager smelled the blood in the water and intervened. "What's the problem, ma'am?" "No problem. I think we're just having a miscommunication. I just want a large, plain coffee with room for cream." "Ooooh," she said sort of nodding. "No problem, I'll get it for you." She then shrieked something entirely different over her shoulder. "We just use different lingo, that's probably what was confusing you." First of all, "lingo?" And second, I wasn't confused by the menu, just by the guy who didn't understand how to translate a large plain coffee into Starbuckese. I'm fairly sure it's just a dialect of English. It should be no problem. I just took Wilbur's coffee and left.